On Your Own

It is not a good place to be. It is absurd for me to think sometimes that I actually have to do anything. That by my own will and power things are done... I find myself now in a strange and difficult place.

My wife and I (of only a few months) recently moved from an apartment we had in the city, back towards where we grew up. As of now, we are both in graduate programs studying to eventually become counselors. It is a desire and a passion we both share, to have the potential to be a guide in a messed up world, to maybe be of some aid in an individual's attempt to make sense of the senseless.
My wife works part time and goes to school twice a week in the evenings. I take classes one or two days a week, and was working part time before the move. Needless to say, it eventually wore on us; the stress was intense. There was very little time to spend with each other (especially for newlyweds), and my job put me in some precarious situations. The apartments we lived in the city were not as safe as we had hoped, the price of utilities began to skyrocket, and the environment as a whole was aggressive. The inner workings of a large metropolitan city have huge potential for work to be done, but it was not the time for us. Maybe in the future, but...we quickly retreated.
Blessing and a curse, that seems to be the way many things operate in this world. Although we know that all things work for the good of those who believe, it is not always easy to see that when you are in the thick of it. So now, I find myself in a place where I am without work for a while, living on what my wife pulls in and the loans I have from school. It is a place of...dependency.
I think the problem is that our society as a whole views that as a negative word; that the fact that you are dependent on someone makes you a weak person. I suppose that could be the case in some circumstances, but really, it is who you are dependent upon. A wise, caring, generous, empathetic benefactor is just that, a benefit. Parents with their children's best interests in mind is development's greatest ally. A government, a military, a police force that works for you and not against you is not to be feared.
I would challenge you to find someone who is not dependent, someone who by their own will stands alone. Does not a king, in reality, depend upon his subjects? Spirituality aside, higher being aside, God or gods aside, which one of us operates without a sense of dependency on someone or something else? Whether you believe your breath comes from the will of God or random chance, you must still draw it. Yet despite these facts, the lack of dependency is something we all seem to desire. Why? Think about what it would mean for you...YOU...to really...really be in control, for everyone, and everything to depend on you.
It's been a few weeks since my wife and I moved. I have spent the majority of my time getting stuff done around the apartment, working on or going to school, or relaxing with my wife or on my own. However, I made a commitment right before the move, that this Tuesday morning would be the day that I started working and developing on my writing as if it were my job...
I woke up this morning with the fear that I had to do it. That I had to do just that. I worried, planned, grew anxious over what to write and when, what to start with and what to ignore. I tried to plan every move, chart the hours of my day. I quickly...before I even started, grew weary. I began then to think about my dependency, think about the fact that if this writing adventure doesn't work out I will go back to the menial part time jobs until I can get my degree, and write in the future perhaps. I thought about that if I did not do it...I would fail. The fact is, if I and only I, tried to...then I would fail.
What a lonely idea, to think that you are the end all and be all of your own life. That by your own strength, that by your own successes and failings you control your life. The pressure of the past few weeks for me has been unbearable. I have noticed that throughout my day-to-day life I have struggled to plan and chart every minute of my operation. It escapes me, that that, that this, that this is the way in which we want to live. What a difference it is between that, and sitting the presence of God.
The blessing...I have a huge opportunity here. There is time in my life that I will not have in a few years, there is time to think, to contemplate, to read and study, to write and maybe publish. There is a chance that I can now put my trust, my faith, and my life into dependency. I can turn over my well-being to hands that are much more capable than my own. That I can invest myself into a market that does not crash, that although it will ride up and down, it will never go beyond a point that I can not handle; and the end is always the same. The truly successful man is one who has learned when and where to be vulnerable, and whom to be dependent upon.

Reality is the loss of control, and surrender is the way to true freedom.

(See Romans 8:28, Psalm 33:13-17, Psalm 37:4, Romans 6:16-23)